InsaneJournal

Current mood:

devious

Updating
It's time and time again that I took this missive up once more, if only to record my journey along a new path.

Well, perhaps not entirely new; but a new branch of my current path, anyway. Everything seems in the end to come back to the Old Man; and anyway, I am one of his; and he, one of mine.

It is...quite something, to make a God scream. To have that power.

It is also strange, that I've feared the powers I seem to have. Strange things happen to me, around me; everything seems to fall into place neatly, teaching me the precise things I needed to learn. The Allfather's influence, no doubt. Still, I will no longer fear power, nor my own powers. Fear is useful at times - it sharpens the senses, for one thing - but not when it prevents you bettering yourself.

In other news, I've take up meditation, as both a hobby and a means of improving myself and imposing a modicum of discipline on myself. It has been an interesting trial, especially now that I've found a way to meditate that doesn't leave me nauseated when I come to myself.

I was meditating a few nights ago, and I had a vision of sorts; I was lying on my back, calling tendrils of energy up from the earth to surround me, and they formed a web above my body. I summoned black flame - set myself afire - and the tendrils of energy fueled the flames.

Now that I know that it's possible to use something apart from my own energy to fuel a black flame, I can summon it when I wish without draining myself so much as I have previously. It's almost childishly simple to draw energy from outside myself. I suppose this is one of the things I would once have been frightened of; now, though, it exhilarates and excites me. I find myself playing with these energies at times, exercising their use. I have yet to cast the flame summoned in such a manner at someone else, but I suppose that will come.

For the curious, black flame is an energy form I cast at those who have...displeased me, so to speak.

It seems, too, that I am also learning a modicum of emotional control; I can keep control of myself to an extent I would have thought impossible before. And considering how many times my emotions have controlled me, rather than the other way round, it seems a necessary discipline to acquire.

I grow to like cobras more and more every day, as well. >:)

It has also occurred to me, as I've meditated on my own thwarted desires of years past, to wonder why I should need something so desperately that I'll shun all emotional maturity to get it. Why I should desire to shackle myself to another being, heart and soul, when solitude is what I need, what I want. Why indeed should I be though strange, for defying an emotion - namely love - that has driven countless humans to despair and suicide for want of its satisfaction? I believe my destiny lies elsewhere, and that it is not something that may be shared with a mate. And so it only remains for me to crush this human social instinct, to let it wither like the disease it is. It is not easy; but I persevere, and my will is stronger than my body. And if I defy this thing, if I purge it from myself; doesn't that put me ahead of the game? For humans truly make themselves ridiculous for love.

Besides...love is as useless as beauty, as honour or joy; it is only the meanings that we assign these things that gives them their worth.

This is, of course, true of a lot of things; including that oh-so-elusive meaning of life.

Ah, well, enough of this positing. I must sleep now.